Starch Madness
Five tasty chips battle it out in a bracket matchup for the ages
A note from the editors:
Hey chip fans. Apologies for the pause in output, life got busy. Expect a return to form in August. In the meantime, please enjoy this post that was originally slated to come out in March (hence the theme). Thanks for chipping with us.
March is finally here and you know what that mmeans… Spring has sprunf! Just kidding. It means march madness BAKSETBALL >:)
The NCAA Division I chip tournament, branded as Starch Madness, is a single-elimination tournament played in the United States to determine the national chip champion of the Division I level in the National Chip Appreciation Association.
This month, an army of playoff contenders assembles in Henry’s living room to duke it out fatty style. A bit of UK flair meets a true American chipsation. Roster reruns meet narrative-changing teams. Who will win? Tune in to find out.
Roysters T-Bone Steak Bubbled Chips
Roysters are the team you rarely hear about during the regular season. However, when Starch Madness rolls around, their name inevitably crops up. T-Bone Steak Flavored “Bubbled Chips” is the scheme they’re bringing to the table this year, and let’s just say they’re a long shot to take the title.
Roysters are made with both potato and rice flour, and have a unique bubbly texture. We like the texture, but wish they pushed the bubbles a bit harder, as a bit of crunch could have brought this team a long way. Interestingly, these UK-based chips refer to this bubble phenomenon as “American-style.” Not entirely sure why, but we appreciate the gesture regardless.
Unfortunately, once you get past the charming appearance and appealing (albeit understated) bubble texture, you run into the massive hole in this team’s game plan: everything else. The bag is a simple and generic America-themed bag with little artistic inspiration. The smell is locker room-y, fitting for Starch Madness but not for eating. And the flavor is absolutely punishing.
We were floored by the experimental offense this team was running, which manifests mostly as a ripe, concentrated meat flavor. One chip down the hatch and we both swore off the T-Bone chips indefinitely. It was a bold and truly unwelcome flavor that evoked Ryan’s famous 10-minute meatloaf with ketchup glaze. This chaotic display of anti-meta strategy instantly spelled the demise of the Roysters, to the surprise of basically nobody.
We hope to see this bold program in the tournament next year, preferably with a different flavor. They bow out with an unceremonious last place finish after getting absolutely clobbered in the first round.
Rib ‘n’ Saucy Nik Naks
Rib ‘n’ Saucy Nik Naks? No, we’re not talking about our action figures after a “down south” style meal. We’re talking about the delightful Northern Irish Cheeto clone (also not to be confused with the homographic South African Nik Naks chip)!
The Rib ‘n’ Saucy Nik Naks entered as a strong second seed, mainly due to their intriguing packaging and strong concept. They’re the kind of chip that you root for because you don’t know either team, but this one has way better jerseys.
By our best estimates, they were going for a rib-based meat flavoring, but instead landed vaguely in the world of warm spices. Though this is certainly better flavor-wise than a meat-style chip, we still found their cinnamony, clovey, brown sugary flavor to be sadly wanting. A funky and creative bag design was not enough to buoy the lackluster dessert BBQ taste, and they petered out with a fourth-place finish.
Grounded defense, dope ass jerseys, and a healthy dose of UK swag, the fan favorite Nik Naks really hoped this would be their year. Alas, their offense was a black hole, and their team stumbled to a finish that left their swarms of supporters heartbroken.
Walkers MAX Sizzling Flame Grilled Steak
Initially, we had fears that Walkers MAX Sizzling Flame Grilled Steak would flame out early, mainly due to all the prior flawed approaches that this Walkers MAX program has attempted. This checks out, since teams that repeatedly run the meat-chip offense have historically struggled to perform on the big stage. Meat-chip has never been pushed as far as this year, elevated from a strategic gimmick to a legitimate game plan by the Flame Grilled Steak.
This Walkers MAX team reprised their role as the team with a really annoying looking player who shoots 42% from 3. That blistering offensive performance takes the form of a surprisingly tasty canned meat flavor. Typically, this flavor is unpalatable and unwelcome, but in this case the accompanying spice mix stretched the floor enough that the meat-spice combo could rest gracefully on the palette. Amazingly, even the usual meat breath was nowhere to be found — but this complete flavor package could only go so far. Stinky dust and a macho bag created defensive shortcomings that the stronger teams in the bracket were able to take advantage of.
Third place is a respectable finish for a meat chip, and likely the ceiling for this scheme. Sadly, that probably won’t stop Walkers MAX from running it back next year, to the dismay of their fans.
Walkers MAX Punchy Paprika
Walkers MAX Punchy Paprika enters Starch Madness as the third overall seed. Though some other Walkers MAX flavors have been misses (notably, most of their meat-adjacent flavors just haven’t been able to put up strong performances), the promise of the time-tested Walkers MAX base combined with a less hypermasculine flavor portends a deeper tournament run and a shot at the title.
Walkers MAX Punchy Paprika is a chip that has a deep mastery of the fundamentals. They don’t attempt too much, but as is the case with many paprika chips, their deep and elegant simplicity really brings them to the next level. And as is also the case with many paprika chips, they tasted pretty good. As always, we enjoyed the MAX packaging and design, as well as the cutesy name. Rarely do we see a team with such a succinct and, well, cute branding package as these. “Punchy Paprika”… Delightful.
All said, Walkers MAX Punchy Paprika made a deep run by toning it down a bit and focusing on their fundamentals. Walkers MAX have generally had the skills and lineup to be strong contenders, but have fallen short due to their own hubris (aka horrendous meat flavors). This iteration competed well, and finished second overall.
Game Day Chili Lay’s
This roster is full of hard-working lunch-pail types, real gym rats. They may not be the flashiest or most athletic, but they can reliably put up solid numbers, and are perennial contenders for the title. This year, Game Day Chili Lay’s were able to play to their strengths against a weaker conference and narrowly squeak out a victory.
The Game Day Chili Lay’s put together an unconventional but ferocious offensive attack. The chili flavor was stunningly accurate, and surprisingly delicious. As soon as the chip crossed our collective mouth plane, we were taken aback by the dazzling chili flavor and delicate spice profile. To boot, the bag was very fun and original for a Lay’s bag, with a nice “blue sports” motif haunted by specters of football players that could be construed as basketball players if you were a court’s length away.
As initially off-putting as it may be seeing a food that is conventionally a bowl of meaty slop realized as a crispy Lay’s chip, we must recognize game. Game Day Chili Lay’s traded blows with the stalwart Punchy Paprika Walkers MAX in a true slobberknocker of a championship and, in the end, accuracy and the ever-important flavor quality created an indomitable offense that led the Game Day Chili Lay’s to the promised land.
Would we get these chips again? You tell us — is it game day? 😏
What a thrilling bracket. Underdogs and upsets, super teams and surprises, this year really had it all. Okay actually none of these chips were really heavy hitters and they would all get rinsed by a bag of Juanitas. At the very least, it was clear that each chip had put in the work, and had the vision and drive to improve. After all, in the immortal words of Carmelo Anthony, “Every morning you have two choices: continue to sleep with your dreams, or wake up and chase chips”.
Until next time,
✌️ Chip & Crunch ✌️
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